New journal

11-24-25.txt

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+Suicide Prevention Rationale - Working Title
+
+** IMPORTANT PREFACE: If you or someone you know is at risk of suicidal ideation, this post is not 10,000% based in fact 
+- this is my personal experience with ideation. I urge you to seek guidance elsewhere as my experience is 
+NOT INDICATIVE OF YOURS! There are many crisis lines all over the world - please seek them out. You matter!!!! **
+
+It's hard being- ... It's hard *being*!!! Wherever you are, however easy or hard you may have it, it's
+hard *being.* We live in a time where it's so much uncertainty, and even if we didn't, we as people are
+bound to feel uncertain about the time we live in. 
+
+I've had a lot happen around me this year. People close to me passed, friends faded away, a relationship
+had a bitter ending and it just hasn't felt like a great year in some spots. I won't say that this year
+hasn't been graceful to me - I had to have a relationship for it to have a bitter ending, I had to have
+friends for them to fade away, etc. etc. But when you're experiencing them first-hand (some of these
+experiences were for the first time,) you can't do much but sit and wonder "Man... I hate this right
+now! This is suffering! This is all suffering!"
+
+I won't say suicidal ideation is a new concept to me - kids saying that "they wanted to die" when they
+were 12 and edgy was a funny trend, but you never really believe that you want to die until something
+happens that you feel is too heavy to bear. However, I've always had a very definite look on it - 
+it's bigger than just me.
+
+For me (again, read the preface,) I'm at a "turning point in my life" and I "have a lot of people
+watching me." Although true, as I have older and younger siblings, and many relatives that call to
+pester my parents about us, it always feels a bit false. Who the hell'd want to watch me? But
+with all that said, I ultimately concluded that the aftermath would be bigger than me. I would
+repeat something in my head:
+
+- "Nothing will change." My situation won't get better.
+- "Nothing will change." No one will call me.
+- "Nothing will change." Well shit, they're definitely not going to call you then.
+- "Nothing will change." Your parents will keep crying, probably harder.
+
+.. You get the point, hopefully. Another point of this rationale would be from my faith in God. While
+I will be the first to admit that I am not the best or most consistent Christian, I will say that I
+believe that He exists. I believe that I wake up every day for a reason. Whether that's to laugh, cry
+or jerk off, I couldn't tell you, but I believe that God gives me another day because He believes in
+me. He believes in us all. 
+
+If that's not your cup of tea, replace God with Science or something, man. Kidding.
+
+I will take this time to point out that the idea that "suicide is selfish" is stupid - it is not selfish
+to want to take away your pain. But it is also not a selfless act. Believe it or not, there are people
+out there that care about you, or will care about you, or have cared about you in the past. It's all a
+matter of reaching out. Friends, family, a crisis hotline, a worm... anyone will listen if you let them
+listen to you.
+
+My friend unexp pointed out that these points of rationale really require strength. I believe all of you reading this 
+post have strength. Whether mental or physical, all of you have it. Remember that. Crying don't make you weak nigga. 
+CRY. CRY!!!!!!
+
+Lots of love and sobriety over here. Be safe this November.
+
+ - Lua